The Elephant in the Room

Why do some of us do it? Why do we just find it so irresistible? What are we so curious to know?

In a conversation I had with a couple of my colleagues, the men wondered why women like snooping through their husbands or boyfriends’ phones. Why, they asked, is it hard not to go through it? My phone is private! 

This definitely did raise a heated debate on an issue which, I have come to realize, is not only common with the women, but with a couple of men as well. You heard that right.


I personally have done it. Not once, not twice, but a couple of times. I acknowledge, it is so easy to misconstrue and elevate simple messages and turn them into huge monsters. A message could read:

“Hey XXX, you forgot to pick up your clothes. I’ll be closing at 6 pm. Shanice.”

The fact that it originated from a woman and it’s about your husband’s clothes can take the war to another level. Forget that this Shanice works at a drycleaner. Forget that your husband takes his clothes there to be laundered.

During this discussion with my colleagues, varied reasons emerged as to why people snoop. The men certainly felt that this is a problem common to ALL women in relationships. Women just don’t trust men. Period! A man is doomed as soon as he owns a mobile phone. All messages are misunderstood, even if they had the best of intentions!

As a woman, I was curious to find out why the men think that women do not trust them. It seems, according to them, women believe that all men are cheaters. So the women have to keep on checking to findeth that which they seeketh.

So just why do people snoop?

Trust or lack of it. It is inevitable that one’s spouse may appear to act in a different manner from time to time. The causes may vary from fatigue to stress. However, a number of people end up worried because of the unhealthy relationship their spouses have with their phones. It is a modern day crisis!

What would go through your mind if you saw your spouse with the phone everywhere they went? Bathroom? Sleeping with it, either in their pocket or under their pillow? Never ever out of their sight? My antennae would be so up!

There is definitely a problem.

One of the questions that’s asked often is whether married couples have rights to each other’s phones. After all, you’re married, right? So why are many a number keen on making their phones a private affair? What happened to transparency and openness in marriage?

Many studies have been done to understand why snooping happens, and the message to the snooper is usually, ‘stay away from your spouse’s phone!’

But is there something like personal privacy in marriage? What do we have to hide? For that spouse who walks around with the phone everywhere, wouldn’t it be very easy to assume that they aren’t faithful by virtue of their behavior?

Despite loving our spouses, many literally fear or find it awkward to ask for their phones. And what purpose does viewing the spouse’s messages serve in any case? Anyone?

However, there is a school of thought which says that if one is not willing to be open with their phone(s), they are in essence telling their spouse that they don’t want them to have full access to the phone(s). Proponents of this school of thought argue that, if you have nothing to hide, don’t keep the phone a private affair. Be transparent with it. Don’t create an environment that would harbor doubts in your spouse’s mind.

A wonderful couple friend has a rule in their home. ‘No Secrets’. And that includes phone passwords. They do this so as to teach their children how to be free! Incredible! Amazing! I was surprised they use this as a way of training their children to speak up in case anything wrong was going on. Now that’s something.

As a believer, I also get to wonder whether privacy goes against the tenets of a transparent marriage. Is there perhaps an attack from the enemy to place doubt in people’s hearts, causing them to live unhappy lives due to suspicion?

After all, aren’t we encouraged by our Master to walk in the light? Or is transparency just an agenda pushed by those who are advocating for access to their spouse’s phones?

It is difficult to sail through a relationship without trust and respect. Now, whether you choose to keep your phones private or opt to provide free access to them, my prayer is that in our relationships, we shall choose to respect, to trust and be faithful to each other.

Or else, the elephant may become too monstrous.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. wittyalex says:

    Walking in the light, is my highlight!!


  2. Kigumz says:

    True! We must be people of the light!


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