I Can Do Bad By Myself

Most people cheat because they are focusing on what they’re missing rather than on what they have – Unknown

Ah, remember last week? That never-ending age-old topic on whether men are capable of loving only one woman? Well, interesting feedback I received from both great sides of the divide.

Women fear that unknown; is he unfaithful? My pal Kate was actually straightforward; “I think it’s fraud to willingly and consciously enter into a monogamous marriage and then procure other “unions” outside of the marriage. It’s also fraud to a wife for her husband to fail to have proper boundaries with other women.”

To men, not all, cheating is the only logical thing to do, given the circumstances in their lives; she’s gained weight, there’s trouble at home, she just focuses on the babies, midlife crisis, problems at work… They needed an outlet. Sounds logical? Is it logical?

Would, then, men be so accommodating, as they expect their women to be, if the tables were turned? Don’t we know the answer to that?

And yet again, why would a wife be unfaithful to her husband or partner? This, trust me, is an issue the men would love to know.

According to them, the number of unfaithful women has been on the rise. Statistics I have not, but seems they do. They argue that women who cheat may be doing so as much as the men who do. And to them, a woman being unfaithful is more than just physical.

I agree, it could be. Women are easily prone to feeling unappreciated, used or inadequate. They long for that connection. And men must understand this, it doesn’t necessarily mean sexual. Women desire conversations, spending quality, and quantity, time on matters that are important to their lives and families. They desire to be relevant, not just to satisfy their husbands’ sexual demands. A woman may consider stepping out of the relationship to get that companionship or validation.

It could also be physical. That attraction, even maybe due to lack of sexual intimacy for reasons unknown to us, making them enjoy flirtatious male colleagues. “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5. Or it could be emotional, due to growing apart for various reasons.

Picture them in the salons. Picture them having conversations with the men ‘handling’ their hair, and, of course, bodies. These men provide that connection that those women need. Nothing against the service providers. Yet at times, more service could be in the offing than just meets the eye.

We’ve seen the effects of loneliness. You are lost in a forest but can’t find a single tree. Perhaps due to physical distance apart. You are in a relationship yet you end up feeling lonelier as time travels on. Neglected in all areas, etc. Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up. A servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.” Proverbs 30:21-23

And yet, would it be justifiable to cheat on your husband? On your partner? Yet again, why would a woman opt to be unfaithful as a means of revenge, owing to the fact that the spouse could have had an affair in the past? Look at those online forums where wives share raunchy experiences with young men because they got hurt by their husbands. Doesn’t that end up causing more damage to the woman, or even her family, as opposed to attaining the intended impact?

The effects of emotional or physical infidelity are real, even tragic. Sometimes we may be bogged down on the issue of why men cheat, but like we talked on Taking Responsibility, we too, as women, should question our own kind too, just like those faithful men do.

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And so, where do some of these women find the time to give attention to more than one man? How do they even balance their emotions or make sure all their tracks are covered, and still find time for their husband, family, while retaining sanity? Is it love or lust? Isn’t this a problem?

Look at that faithful husband. I mean, like seriously, just look at him. He’s given his wife everything. Yet his wife will cheat on him to keep her job.

Last year, I had a session on relationships with young adults from my church. A young man stated that young women get into relationships with young men straight from campus and starting out their careers, who are struggling to make ends meet. However, these young women get into relationships with older men, better known as sponsors, for their material needs; rent, school fees, shopping, upkeep, etc, but would consider the young men only for purposes of marriage due to societal pressure.

This is certainly not a good relationship at all.

Now, call this outrageous, and you could just be in good company. Some of my friends have put in amazing measures to protect their relationships. If either the husband or the wife starts developing feelings for someone else, one discloses to the spouse. Why on earth would you do such a thing? You see, secrecy is the enemy of intimacy, as one Dave Willis notes. There is thrill in pursuing or being pursued and when this is not right, it seems, the sweeter it becomes. But once you have disclosed, the thrill may disappear.

Let’s honestly admit. Faithfulness is difficult, for both men and women. However, it is a choice that one must make intentionally. Cheating only goes to cause great damage in relationships. One Robert Weiss states the following: “The keeping of secrets, especially sexual and romantic secrets, damages relationship trust and is incredibly painful regardless of gender.” You may tell yourself that all is well since you are getting away with the cheating.

It is a lie.

1. Turn away from sexual sin. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”1 Corinthians 6.18.

2. If married, honor your vows. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4.

3. Remember that there are consequences for our sins, including divorce, sexually transmitted diseases, depression, suicidal thoughts (by those who’ve been hurt) or even death caused by the party hurting.

4. Confess your sins.

5. If tempted, know that there is always a way out. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1Corinthians 10:13.

If you have been hurt by the actions of your cheating spouse, I urge you to seek help in order to find healing. You may not fathom the issue in its entirety but you need to find your way back to standing on your feet and soldier on.

If you have to sneak to do it, lie to cover it up, delete it to avoid it being seen, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it. – Unknown

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Liz M says:

    If you have to sneak to do it, lie to cover it up, delete it to avoid it being seen, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
    Ukweli mtupu.

    However ‘valid’ a reason seems, it’s still wrong to be unfaithful. Infidelity says more about you than your partner even if they are the catalyst.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mouchie5 says:

    I like the last statement…deep and so true!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kigumz says:

      Thank you Mouchie5

      Like

  3. Rose Ewagata says:

    faithfulness is not cultivated only within marriage but its a crucial foundation in singleness. coz marriage is not a cure for lack of faithfulness .. but rather goes to further expose or magnify it…character is the foundation on which you build your marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kigumz says:

      That is profound Rose. Thank you.

      Like

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