It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. … I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:1B–3, 7–9)
An interesting conversation with some guys in the dating scene. This one guy, a Christian, stated that he tried to do a few things to cool off the steam, so as to avoid falling into sexual sin; jogging and being careful when around his girlfriend.
It was clear, he was looking forward to having a great sexual encounter upon getting married. After all, he has heard a lot about exercising restraint in his Christian circles to ensure that he maintains sexual purity. Why? To enjoy all the sex he could imagine in marriage in the context God intended. It is a good desire. A very good desire.
Today, a number of people get into long-term relationships later in their lives than earlier in life, despite societal norms, due to pursuits of education and financial stability. It has become hard in this day and age to stay pure, and I applaud all those who have made every effort not to fall into sexual sin. It is hard. Very, very hard.
There is so much chemistry going on at the onset of a relationship. The sparkle in the eyes. The heart throbs when you see that other person. You think of them quite often.
You want to be with him or her. You desire them. There is that physical attraction. The latter, is what needs to be subjected to a lot of self control before marriage.
Talking with my friends, I told them about the irony of life. So much physical excitement before getting married, especially with the long wait to enjoy sex in the context of marriage.
The glow is clear. The chemistry is real.There is still a lot of thrill as you get to know each other intimately.
In our marriage group, one friend told us that he was expecting to have sex at least seven times a week or more! Well, if his dreams are, or were met is another story.
What happens in marriage years later? Children, or lack of them. Demanding jobs or businesses. Bills. Illnesses. Erectile dysfunction. Less, or no chemistry altogether. Incessant arguments. Lack of understanding. Hurt. Unforgiveness. The results? Less time together and lack of intimacy results thereafter.
My dating friends were shocked to hear that a couple can go for months without sexual intimacy! The truth is that some go even for years without sex. A few Christians who kept themselves pure till marriage feel like they were played when the intimacy does not happen in their marriages much later after getting married.
So what happens? How can this be?
Then. You couldn’t get your hands off each other. The glow was clear. Now. You do not want to be touched or kissed. Then. If married, your bodies were intertwined at the onset of the marriage, soaking in each other’s presence. Now. You wouldn’t want even a part of the other’s body dare touch yours. Then. Every little thing you do, she or he is on your mind (borrowed – Heavy D). Now. You don’t want even to think of your spouse because of all the disappointment you have faced. You’d rather be alone, you tell yourself.
The truth is that there is a big number of married couples who aren’t enjoying or even having sex. Anyone who can guess what happens to a sexually deprived human being, one who has had the benefit of enjoying sex freely in the context of marriage and now does not remember when he or she was last intimate with their mate? Food for thought.
So, if married couples are not having sex, what is the effect? First, we miss out an important part in becoming one. In an article ‘Sex Is Not About Waiting’, Michael Lawrence states the following: ‘Why is our experience of sex so different than the rest of creation? Why did God pronounce it very good? Simply put, because the point of sexual intimacy is neither the children nor the pleasure it produces, but the union of persons that it represents and is itself a part of.‘ Enjoying sex allows couples to bond, re-connect and allows hurt to be healed if not done in a manipulative manner.
Secondly, we allow the devil to have a foothold in our marriages. His intentions are not for our good. When you are too busy with life or ignore your spouse’s sexual needs, you give the devil room to attack your marriage and it is no wonder many marriages are given a big blow, especially in relation to sexual sin.
Therefore, I would like you to consider the following:
1. Make sex a priority in your marriage.
2. Do not withhold sex from your partner unreasonably.
3. Seeking sex outside marriage or introducing stimuli that is offensive e.g. porn will only destroy your marriage.
4. Have sex dates if finding time to have sex is hard for you. Make time.
5. Pray for your sexual life to be fruitful, meaningful and enjoyable with your spouse.
Have more sex!
‘Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.’
1 Corinthians 7:5-6 NIV